god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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