The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
