Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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