this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
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