I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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