i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
foreskin is a definite game changer
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Randomize
