one word: firstdatebathroomanal
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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