You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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