Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
