I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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