Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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