Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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