She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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