So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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