That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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