Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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