Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
