i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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