i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
