i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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