JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Randomize
