I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
