I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
