So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
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