Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Randomize
