the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
