bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
