I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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