i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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