i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
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