I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
