Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
