She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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