i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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