Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
