I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
