How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
