I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
