Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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