Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
