I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
