Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
