Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
