oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
