I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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