I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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