Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Randomize
