grandma shit on top of the toilet
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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