it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
