It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
