Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
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