Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
