I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
