What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
