Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
