Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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