I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Randomize
