Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
