I'm drive I can fine osifer
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
