the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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