I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
