I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
