OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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