I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
